One of my homework assignments in therapy is to walk through the metaphorical graveyard of all I’ve lost in the past year, or will lose due to all the changes occurring. To name every single thing, every idea of what was or could be, every good thing and every bad thing, and truly grieve it.

Feel the disappointment from lost hopes. Dwell in the hurt from the sudden change in life direction. Think about it, feel it, process it…then move on.

I’ve started this process, and let me tell you. It is not for the faint of heart. Looking at your list of lost hopes and dreams is like a sucker punch to the gut. Processing through all of the emotions from the graveyard of dreams takes an amount of emotional energy I don’t always have. Which, in turn, causes me to continue to make decisions that some people may not agree with, and I can add another lost hope to my graveyard; the hope that my friendships could continue as they were.

One day, I will be able to walk through the graveyard and not feel the sting. I’ll be able to look over those tombstones with my beloved hopes and dreams, and feel comfortable knowing they were sacrificed to make room for better hopes and dreams. Safer hopes and dreams. More fulfilling hopes and dreams.

I look forward to that day.

The post Walking through the graveyard first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

Well, the trouble is, you are NOT in their shoes. And your judgment, however well-intentioned, is just that. It is judgment. It is not helpful.

I’ve done more than my fair share of research on the effects of emotional abuse, which transparently, is something I experienced for many years. This abuse is insidious, and seeps into the cracks of your brain and alters your responses to people and situations. You learn coping mechanisms to avoid the negative consequences you face for thinking, feeling, or making your own decisions.

Coming out of that type of “people pleasing at all costs” mentality is very difficult. It is easy to slide back into that mindset. Part of my mindset work the past few years has involved trying to care less about the opinions of others. Not needing approval before making a decision. Not needing others to validate me.

Unfortunately, I slipped from seeking the approval of one person, to seeking the approval of my friend group. And when my friends were happy with my decisions and I didn’t get pushback, all was right in the world. But the past two months I’ve prioritized other goals. Sleeping more. Listening to my body when it is overwhelmed with stress. Getting my movement in, but sometimes that movement looks more like yoga or Pilates and less like running. I’m walking when I’m tired. I show up to group fitness but I modify when I feel it is necessary.

Guess what? That is my decision, and my decision alone. No one gets to look at me in judgment because I don’t consent to that. When I am ready to physically push harder, I will. Again, that is my decision.

If you disagree with my decision, that is fine. I’m really trying not to be hurt by the judgment. That will take some time. I’m working through that emotion so I don’t stay stuck there, but after all the belittling and berating and second-guessing and judgment I lived through for the past two decades, I’m finding this one of the more difficult things to work through.

Moving forward means doing what is best for me and not caring that other people disagree. My problem is, I still care about the opinions of those I care about. If there is a class on “how to stop caring so much” I probably need to take it!

The post Outside Looking In first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

Acknowledging I’m really not fine is probably the best first step. I’m grieving. Grief takes many forms for many reasons; it is not always a result of death. But it is a very real reaction to circumstances. You can grieve when your children leave for college, or when your pet passes away. You can grieve for a failed relationship, or aging parents, or a lost job opportunity. Even being passed over for a promotion would be a cause of grief. Obviously, losing a loved one would also cause grief.

It seems like when I reach homeostasis from one life event that causes grief, I’m hit with another. I’ve heard the saying that “God gives his toughest battles to the strongest soldiers” or something of that sort, and can I just ask to be a weaker soldier? Is that how this works? Somehow, I don’t think so.

What hurts the most is the idea that some people seem to want to kick you when you’re down. They see that you were assaulted, and stab the knife deeper in your back. Then twist it. It’s like they want to watch you bleed and suffer and beg for mercy. They take everything you have, and leave you emotionally, physically, and financially destitute. When these people are the people you used to think would always have your back, it hurts even worse. When these people also do things to benefit themselves over caring for you, or your family, or people you care about…it is unbearable. The stab wounds don’t heal when you see others you care about suffering too.

Grieving the emotional loss of people in your life is a very different type of grief. You see who they used to be, or who you thought they were, and you see who they either became (or always were, and you weren’t aware), and you have a hard time reconciling the two people. There are so many questions, like ‘did I cause them to turn out this way?’ or ‘why did they all of a sudden turn on me? Is something wrong with me?’ They still exist in the world, but they want an existence without you. It is a level of rejection that is so very hard to rebound from emotionally. Then you find out they are building new lives with new friends and new experiences and new vacations and new jobs…without you…and even though you are building a new life too, from the outside looking in, their side seems easier. More seamless. Less angsty.

So you feel like you were discarded (let’s say, in the metaphorical dumpster). And you add other grief and now this dumpster is on fire.

Welcome to my world.

The post Twist the knife first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

When this happens to me, my brain goes right to those awful thoughts. Thoughts about my worth, or whether I deserve to be happy and healthy, or how I must be doing everything wrong. I don’t stop to think about whether there is an underlying issue; I go straight to “you are a failure.”

That is my mental state right now. As much as I’ve tried to work on it, I’m still living in the hurt, scared, inferior place my mind creates for me. I’ve seen the ads on social media for all the tricks and gimmicks and schemes, and believe me, I’ve been sorely tempted to throw money at a gimmicky solution for a quick fix, even though I know there isn’t one.

Think of the truth

Before simply continuing on this downward spiral, I’ve decided to stop and consider what is true:

• I’ve undergone considerable change and emotional upheaval in the past 12 months
• My blood work shows my thyroid could be a little out of whack
• My hormones, while “normal,” are on the low end of the range, which may be causing issues
• I have not weighed, measured, and tracked every morsel of food, so there is the possibility I’ve underestimated my calories

Thyroid and hormone results alone could account for much of my weight gain this year. I have not checked cortisol levels, but with everything going on, I have no doubt those are abnormal. I head back to the doc soon, to hopefully get some answers and solutions for those potential issues.

Other people who go through significant life changes tend to have some period of time called a “glow up.” Can I sign up for that part of the process now, please? I think I’m ready. I’m ready for both a mental AND physical glow up.

Where I’m starting from

Most days, I still feel like I’m in the chrysalis. In many ways, things in my life have not settled. To add insult to injury, my beloved dog passed away earlier this year, so I lost my lovable little furry buddy. Seems like for every step I’ve moved forward, I go another few steps back.

Not to mention I’m still not over everything that happened last year. I’m still dealing with the stress and fallout. I think I tried too hard to create normalcy, and that meant I didn’t deal with the hard emotions; I just stuffed them. I’m learning that no matter how hard we try to stuff them, they will surface eventually.

Also, what even IS a glow up? According to Merriam-Webster, it is “a striking transformation in a person’s appearance; a makeover, a coming-of-age”.

Somehow, for me, I think it will be more than just a physical transformation. It will need to also be an emergence into a more confident, uplifting, joyful human being. A mental and physical glow up.

The Glow Up List

Lists are fun and informative, no? In case you were curious, here is a list of 10 things I commit to doing regularly in order to facilitate my own glow up, in order of physical health, then mental health, then emotional/spiritual health. Also these are in no particular order, and I reserve the right to add or delete items as necessary for said health.

1. Track my food intake daily.
2. Work out 5 days per week.
3. Stretching & mobility work 3 times per week (more as needed).
4. Decide who I want to become — set goals in order to become her.
5. Continue therapy.
6. Branch out and find new support groups in addition to the ones I currently have.
7. Journal 10 minutes per day.
8. Practice reframing my dumpster fire thoughts into more positive and affirming ones.
9. Learn to spend time in silence and meditative prayer.
10. Take a break from social media at least one day per week.

While this seems a little daunting, I have confidence I can make this happen most days. Watch out world, when this glow up happens no one will know what hit them.

The post It is time for a ‘Glow Up’ first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

It is funny how we won’t always know what could trigger an extremely emotional response in our body. The kind of response where you can’t suppress your emotions or extreme fear and anxiety. Maybe your chest feels tight, your gut wrenches, your heart races, or your mouth feels like cotton. This reaction is very normal. It is quick, and detonates sometimes without warning.

This reaction, however, is not always warranted. We have to learn to distinguish when this response is reasonable and when it is not. The trouble is, when you have gone through physical or emotional trauma, your brain can’t always decide correctly. You have to rewire and retrain that organ to have the most reasonable response.

Unfortunately…that takes a lot of work, time, and patience. And like Michael Corleone so aptly said, “just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!” – I get sucked back in to my old thought patterns and beliefs way too easily. We were all so afraid of quicksand in the 80s, but I think the real quicksand exists in our minds. If we aren’t careful, it sucks us down into the dark places and the more we thrash and panic, the more we stay stuck. Wasn’t the trick not to panic? To stay calm and find something to grab onto?

What if you don’t have anything to grab onto? For these metaphorical purposes, you create it. (If you are literally in quicksand, I’m sorry, but I have no idea how to help with that situation.) Metaphorically, what can we create to pull us out of the dark spaces and quicksand of our minds? Any expert I’ve ever read or listened to touts the benefits of journaling. Writing down how we feel and what we think is cathartic. Another stick for the quicksand is meditation or prayer or tapping. Exercise is always suggested. Going for a walk is a great way to take some space and ponder your problems (or cry since your puppy is not there to walk with you).

Sometimes you don’t grab onto the lifeline, and sink. The space becomes rotten and toxic and putrid.

When you have a setback, and let the toxic thoughts and behaviors win, just know you can repair the damage you do, but like broken China, when you piece it back together the cracks remain. And sometimes the plate is smashed to smithereens and there is no chance of repair. Don’t do that to yourself. Grab the lifeline.

The post Rewiring: Overcoming Emotional Quicksand first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

Heavy lifts … that’s where the magic happens.

The extra mile…that’s where the magic happens.

Consistency…that’s where the magic happens.

Growth…that’s where the magic happens.

Or, having a friend who will drop everything to help you out. Who makes sure your car smells like Christmas and you are properly caffeinated at all times. Who has notes about everyone’s bloodwork and compares Pub Med research to the doctor’s recommendations. Who pays for copays for friends so he can be sure they go to the doctor when they are sick and who buys groceries and meal preps for people who are going through rough times. Who embodies positivity even when you don’t. Who pushes you to lift heavier, run faster, be better. Who thinks everyone he is friends with and cares about is perfect and there is no arguing with him. (Newsflash: his friends might not be perfect…) Who signs you up for random races and encourages you when you doubt you can finish them.

Who encourages his pregnant friend to run a double marathon…on her due date. Who shows up to a basketball game past his bedtime to see a friend perform pre-game. Who makes every birthday, ‘birthday month’, anniversary, and heck, even ‘date-a-versaries’ special. Who thinks making those celebrations special equals writing unique kinds of torture for all of us to do at 4:45 am, and sometimes giving the gift of heavier dumbbells or gloves or energy drinks or a book someone mentioned wanting to read or a supplement he thinks would be good for the person. Who never quits, even when things are painful or hard. Who truly feels others’ pain and does whatever he can to take that away.

Maybe the magic happens when we truly look at those people in our life who are there for us no matter what and spread themselves thin to make sure every person they care about feels cared for, and we take a moment to let them know that we see them. We see everything they do for everyone, with little to no thought to what it might cost them. We see the good they do even when they think they are keeping it secret.

So, while being consistent, growing, heavy lifts, early morning workouts, and the extra mile do produce some sort of “magic”, I would argue that the best magic of all is calling someone like Isaac your friend. We should all have a friend like him in our lives, and I count myself very lucky to be considered one.

Happiest of birthdays, friend.

The post That’s Where ‘The Magic’ Happens first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

Too often during seasons of change, I focus on the negative (shocker). I focus on what I hate about the new situation, how much I dislike the work involved getting to the new situation, all of the stress I feel, etc.

This thought process understandably makes me dread change. I’ve experienced a lot of change in my life to this point. I’ve moved at least 12 times …and I’m about to move again. I’ve been married, had children, lost family members, switched jobs, started exercise regimens, quit, started new diet programs…and quit, so forth, and so on.

I’m very sure I’m not the only one who has gone through some or all of this change. It’s called life. Life isn’t guaranteed to be a cake walk; in fact, it is pretty much guaranteed not to be. The difference between people who are resilient and people who are not lies in how they handle what life throws at them.

I think Socrates had it right. When we focus on the past…what we lose, what is different, what once was…we lose our resilience. We get stuck. When we shift focus to how we can build the new or what positive thing can emerge from the process, we can move forward and make the change a positive process. Because we don’t know the future. We create it. Our actions today create our future tomorrow.

Let’s build a future we can be proud of. Let’s look back a year, or two years, or five years from now and be proud of the decisions we made today. I know I will be more proud of decisions I made to build the future instead of fighting to keep the status quo, so that is what I am going to continue to do.

Some days will be better than others, but I hope to look back a year from now and be proud of how far I’ve come in this season of multiple changes.

The post Building the new first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

I’m not far away enough from the fire to start seeing the burns. I am still aflame…maybe glowing embers instead of actively on fire. I know I have damage, but I haven’t assessed it yet. Did I stop, drop, and roll?

Unfortunately not.

Can you stop, drop, and roll when it is an all-encompassing fire? My guess is at some point, that age-old wisdom would not be enough.

One step back

It is difficult, as someone who loves to follow a plan, to not have a blueprint for how to heal. Taking things a step at a time, but not knowing the steps, is a little strange. (Okay, a lot strange)

Also, it does not help that for every one step I back away from the flames, I find something else out that brings me right back to the brink of the disaster area. The heat is on and I want to keep backing away, but I’m compelled to keep standing where I am. I have to experience the heat. No matter how much damage it causes.

Assess the damage

I’m going to be honest, I don’t know exactly how to do this. My entire life has been a series of events I needed to “stay strong” for…whatever that means. I’ve felt a lot like an island, keeping myself and my family moored on dry land while the ocean raged around us. Maybe instead of fire…I’ve experienced the lava flow of a volcanic eruption, and instead of destroying what was, it is expanding and creating more land. More space. More freedom.

Shine

What is to give light must endure burning.

Viktor Frankl

I can’t wait for this part of the process. Emerging shiny and new and happy…and me. It will take me time to get there, time I don’t want to spend in the trenches, but there isn’t any way to this destination except through the pain and hurt and burn. Here’s to enduring what we need to so we can become what is meant for us.

The post Standing Beside the Fire first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

At first, I thought of Homer’s Odyssey. But I’m no Odysseus…I mean, if I feel like giving up now, barely two months into my journey, how would I last 10 years against Poseidon? Ha. Penelope must have been one heck of a woman!

But then I got curious, and looked into this concept a little bit more. According to Grammarly, the hero’s journey is a 12 step process used in storytelling that the protagonist must do to achieve their goal or quest. Since we are the protagonists in our own story and are doing more “for the plot!”…let’s see what exactly we have to go through to get to our eventual goal.

What is a Hero’s Journey?

The examples given of a hero’s journey, like Star Wars, The Hunger Games, and The Lord of the Rings didn’t really resonate with my journey, to be honest. I’m (hopefully) not going to be in a life or death situation trying to save humanity. But in the Q&A on the Grammarly article, something struck me.

“What is the hero’s journey?

The hero’s journey typically involves a protagonist who goes on a journey of self-discovery. The journey usually involves a series of challenges that the protagonist must overcome in order to achieve their goal.”

A journey of self-discovery. Now that I can relate to.

Step by Excruciating Step

My journey to self-discovery isn’t really like the 12 steps. Okay, maybe it has a lot of the steps so far. I think within the month I’ve gone through steps 1-6. However, I think step 6 might take a while.

Photo Credit

I found out some personally devastating news…I spent about a week refusing to believe it was even happening. Then my friends (my mentors??) slapped some sense into me and I crossed the threshold into an unknown world. 

I’m currently discovering all about who my true allies and enemies are, and going through the road of trials. Discovering a new trial almost daily! However long this takes, when it is over it will make a great story. (But boy am I getting tired already…this does not bode well.)

Act 2

I can only imagine where the rest of the story will lead. Gathering up all of my Main Character Energy for the Innermost Cave where I face my own demons and whatever Ordeal awaits me. This is what makes great novels and movies, the main character overcoming their own flaws and inadequacies and emerging in triumph at the end of the story. In real life, in the MIDDLE, it is hard to see the light at the end of that tunnel, but I guess you just have to have faith that the light is there. The time of blind faith and trudging through darkness and mustering up some hope during the spans of time where everything seems hopeless and “being strong” whatever that means to you — I don’t yet know what it actually means to me — that is the time you really find out who you are. And what you are truly made of.

The author of your story knows exactly what you will need to handle every situation you encounter. All you have to do is take it one day, one hour…one minute…one second at a time…and trust.

Trust is rather difficult for me at the moment. I don’t trust…anything really. Not other people, not the journey, and definitely not myself. But I’m really trying to.

The post Going on a “Hero’s Journey” first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

Y’all. Our kids are SMART. From Urban Dictionary: ‘Do It For The Plot’: the conscious decision to see yourself as the main character of the story that is your life. You maintain the outlook that every moment – good or bad – is merely a plot point for your larger narrative. You are the writer, producer, director and star of your life. Start living unapologetically, and give them a plot twist that no one saw coming.

Main Character Energy!

The “main characters” I’ve been observing lately have been the ones in Hallmark movies. That isn’t exactly the energy I’ve been giving off in real life, nor do I want to! (Side note for another post: why do even the Hallmark movies about divorce showcase…a love story?) The true question is, what type of story is MY story? Is it a thriller? A mystery? A romance? An adventure? I used to think my story was pretty mundane…but now I think it is kind of unreal. More like a Lifetime movie than a Hallmark…and Lifetime has always been a bit too dramatic for my taste. 

Enough about the external plot devices…I think the point of the main character energy is I get to decide what my story is all about, and make the decisions to move it along in the direction I’d like it to go. Guess what? So do you.

Living Life UNAPOLOGETICALLY

No more fear. No more doubt. No more uncertainty.

Just kidding, I don’t think those will ever go away. But–you don’t have to let those things hold you back. Don’t let the fear of something keep you from doing what it is you want to do in life. Get after that graduate degree, even if it has been 20 years since you graduated college. Start the new career. Become a parent. Get the divorce and shed the dead weight of a marriage that was holding you back.

And just like the title of the blog, you don’t have to be sorry for it. The people who matter will be supportive, and the people who aren’t supportive don’t matter. They are not the main characters in your story (news flash: YOU ARE). Let them have their own story.

Your story, your decisions, your dreams are YOURS. And every day you get to make decisions to advance your storyline! Also you need to make sure everyone around you knows what you are doing is FOR THE PLOT! BONUS: You will sound like you are up-to-speed on the current lingo.

The Plot Twists will come

Unfortunately, the author of our story throws in some drama sometimes for good measure. Usually it is to teach us something we need to learn, or help us grow into the person we need to become. Not that we’ll always like these twists, but maybe we should look at what we should learn or how we can grow instead of wailing and gnashing our teeth.

Not that I haven’t spent my fair share of time both wailing and gnashing my teeth (whatever that means). I’ve spent a lot of time at different points in my life both lamenting things that happened to me, and things I’ve actively chosen that turned out a different way than I anticipated.

Right now, honestly! I’m going through lamentations over something that was both my choice and something that happened to me. I’m upset about my choices leading up to finding out the rest of what happened, and also upset about why I didn’t see the freight train coming to knock me off the tracks!

We all have those freight trains, and we will be knocked off the tracks at some point. I heard we were supposed to yell “PLOT TWIST!” and keep moving. I’m not so sure I agree. Sometimes the best way to handle a plot twist is learning to sit in the pain and not let it overcome you. If you can do that, you can truly move forward. Ignoring the pain and “chugging along” won’t work forever. That freight train is coming and that hit will be life threatening if you give it enough time to speed.

You deserve a happy ending

Not all stories get a happy ending. I can think of at least 3 books I’ve heard about recently that just…keep getting worse for the main characters.

But YOU, my friend…YOU deserve a happy ending. So do I. We might have to fight, claw, wail, gnash teeth, or whatever it takes to get to our ending, but we WILL get there. Who knows, maybe a plot twist won’t knock us over, but sweep us to the top of that train like the vagabond character in The Polar Express. 

Until then, don’t be surprised if you hear me yell “FOR THE PLOT!” after every decision I make. Cheers to remembering we are the main characters and we get to write our happily ever after!

The post For the PLOT! first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.