One of my homework assignments in therapy is to walk through the metaphorical graveyard of all I’ve lost in the past year, or will lose due to all the changes occurring. To name every single thing, every idea of what was or could be, every good thing and every bad thing, and truly grieve it.

Feel the disappointment from lost hopes. Dwell in the hurt from the sudden change in life direction. Think about it, feel it, process it…then move on.

I’ve started this process, and let me tell you. It is not for the faint of heart. Looking at your list of lost hopes and dreams is like a sucker punch to the gut. Processing through all of the emotions from the graveyard of dreams takes an amount of emotional energy I don’t always have. Which, in turn, causes me to continue to make decisions that some people may not agree with, and I can add another lost hope to my graveyard; the hope that my friendships could continue as they were.

One day, I will be able to walk through the graveyard and not feel the sting. I’ll be able to look over those tombstones with my beloved hopes and dreams, and feel comfortable knowing they were sacrificed to make room for better hopes and dreams. Safer hopes and dreams. More fulfilling hopes and dreams.

I look forward to that day.

The post Walking through the graveyard first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

Well, the trouble is, you are NOT in their shoes. And your judgment, however well-intentioned, is just that. It is judgment. It is not helpful.

I’ve done more than my fair share of research on the effects of emotional abuse, which transparently, is something I experienced for many years. This abuse is insidious, and seeps into the cracks of your brain and alters your responses to people and situations. You learn coping mechanisms to avoid the negative consequences you face for thinking, feeling, or making your own decisions.

Coming out of that type of “people pleasing at all costs” mentality is very difficult. It is easy to slide back into that mindset. Part of my mindset work the past few years has involved trying to care less about the opinions of others. Not needing approval before making a decision. Not needing others to validate me.

Unfortunately, I slipped from seeking the approval of one person, to seeking the approval of my friend group. And when my friends were happy with my decisions and I didn’t get pushback, all was right in the world. But the past two months I’ve prioritized other goals. Sleeping more. Listening to my body when it is overwhelmed with stress. Getting my movement in, but sometimes that movement looks more like yoga or Pilates and less like running. I’m walking when I’m tired. I show up to group fitness but I modify when I feel it is necessary.

Guess what? That is my decision, and my decision alone. No one gets to look at me in judgment because I don’t consent to that. When I am ready to physically push harder, I will. Again, that is my decision.

If you disagree with my decision, that is fine. I’m really trying not to be hurt by the judgment. That will take some time. I’m working through that emotion so I don’t stay stuck there, but after all the belittling and berating and second-guessing and judgment I lived through for the past two decades, I’m finding this one of the more difficult things to work through.

Moving forward means doing what is best for me and not caring that other people disagree. My problem is, I still care about the opinions of those I care about. If there is a class on “how to stop caring so much” I probably need to take it!

The post Outside Looking In first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

When this happens to me, my brain goes right to those awful thoughts. Thoughts about my worth, or whether I deserve to be happy and healthy, or how I must be doing everything wrong. I don’t stop to think about whether there is an underlying issue; I go straight to “you are a failure.”

That is my mental state right now. As much as I’ve tried to work on it, I’m still living in the hurt, scared, inferior place my mind creates for me. I’ve seen the ads on social media for all the tricks and gimmicks and schemes, and believe me, I’ve been sorely tempted to throw money at a gimmicky solution for a quick fix, even though I know there isn’t one.

Think of the truth

Before simply continuing on this downward spiral, I’ve decided to stop and consider what is true:

• I’ve undergone considerable change and emotional upheaval in the past 12 months
• My blood work shows my thyroid could be a little out of whack
• My hormones, while “normal,” are on the low end of the range, which may be causing issues
• I have not weighed, measured, and tracked every morsel of food, so there is the possibility I’ve underestimated my calories

Thyroid and hormone results alone could account for much of my weight gain this year. I have not checked cortisol levels, but with everything going on, I have no doubt those are abnormal. I head back to the doc soon, to hopefully get some answers and solutions for those potential issues.

Other people who go through significant life changes tend to have some period of time called a “glow up.” Can I sign up for that part of the process now, please? I think I’m ready. I’m ready for both a mental AND physical glow up.

Where I’m starting from

Most days, I still feel like I’m in the chrysalis. In many ways, things in my life have not settled. To add insult to injury, my beloved dog passed away earlier this year, so I lost my lovable little furry buddy. Seems like for every step I’ve moved forward, I go another few steps back.

Not to mention I’m still not over everything that happened last year. I’m still dealing with the stress and fallout. I think I tried too hard to create normalcy, and that meant I didn’t deal with the hard emotions; I just stuffed them. I’m learning that no matter how hard we try to stuff them, they will surface eventually.

Also, what even IS a glow up? According to Merriam-Webster, it is “a striking transformation in a person’s appearance; a makeover, a coming-of-age”.

Somehow, for me, I think it will be more than just a physical transformation. It will need to also be an emergence into a more confident, uplifting, joyful human being. A mental and physical glow up.

The Glow Up List

Lists are fun and informative, no? In case you were curious, here is a list of 10 things I commit to doing regularly in order to facilitate my own glow up, in order of physical health, then mental health, then emotional/spiritual health. Also these are in no particular order, and I reserve the right to add or delete items as necessary for said health.

1. Track my food intake daily.
2. Work out 5 days per week.
3. Stretching & mobility work 3 times per week (more as needed).
4. Decide who I want to become — set goals in order to become her.
5. Continue therapy.
6. Branch out and find new support groups in addition to the ones I currently have.
7. Journal 10 minutes per day.
8. Practice reframing my dumpster fire thoughts into more positive and affirming ones.
9. Learn to spend time in silence and meditative prayer.
10. Take a break from social media at least one day per week.

While this seems a little daunting, I have confidence I can make this happen most days. Watch out world, when this glow up happens no one will know what hit them.

The post It is time for a ‘Glow Up’ first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

It is funny how we won’t always know what could trigger an extremely emotional response in our body. The kind of response where you can’t suppress your emotions or extreme fear and anxiety. Maybe your chest feels tight, your gut wrenches, your heart races, or your mouth feels like cotton. This reaction is very normal. It is quick, and detonates sometimes without warning.

This reaction, however, is not always warranted. We have to learn to distinguish when this response is reasonable and when it is not. The trouble is, when you have gone through physical or emotional trauma, your brain can’t always decide correctly. You have to rewire and retrain that organ to have the most reasonable response.

Unfortunately…that takes a lot of work, time, and patience. And like Michael Corleone so aptly said, “just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!” – I get sucked back in to my old thought patterns and beliefs way too easily. We were all so afraid of quicksand in the 80s, but I think the real quicksand exists in our minds. If we aren’t careful, it sucks us down into the dark places and the more we thrash and panic, the more we stay stuck. Wasn’t the trick not to panic? To stay calm and find something to grab onto?

What if you don’t have anything to grab onto? For these metaphorical purposes, you create it. (If you are literally in quicksand, I’m sorry, but I have no idea how to help with that situation.) Metaphorically, what can we create to pull us out of the dark spaces and quicksand of our minds? Any expert I’ve ever read or listened to touts the benefits of journaling. Writing down how we feel and what we think is cathartic. Another stick for the quicksand is meditation or prayer or tapping. Exercise is always suggested. Going for a walk is a great way to take some space and ponder your problems (or cry since your puppy is not there to walk with you).

Sometimes you don’t grab onto the lifeline, and sink. The space becomes rotten and toxic and putrid.

When you have a setback, and let the toxic thoughts and behaviors win, just know you can repair the damage you do, but like broken China, when you piece it back together the cracks remain. And sometimes the plate is smashed to smithereens and there is no chance of repair. Don’t do that to yourself. Grab the lifeline.

The post Rewiring: Overcoming Emotional Quicksand first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

I’m not far away enough from the fire to start seeing the burns. I am still aflame…maybe glowing embers instead of actively on fire. I know I have damage, but I haven’t assessed it yet. Did I stop, drop, and roll?

Unfortunately not.

Can you stop, drop, and roll when it is an all-encompassing fire? My guess is at some point, that age-old wisdom would not be enough.

One step back

It is difficult, as someone who loves to follow a plan, to not have a blueprint for how to heal. Taking things a step at a time, but not knowing the steps, is a little strange. (Okay, a lot strange)

Also, it does not help that for every one step I back away from the flames, I find something else out that brings me right back to the brink of the disaster area. The heat is on and I want to keep backing away, but I’m compelled to keep standing where I am. I have to experience the heat. No matter how much damage it causes.

Assess the damage

I’m going to be honest, I don’t know exactly how to do this. My entire life has been a series of events I needed to “stay strong” for…whatever that means. I’ve felt a lot like an island, keeping myself and my family moored on dry land while the ocean raged around us. Maybe instead of fire…I’ve experienced the lava flow of a volcanic eruption, and instead of destroying what was, it is expanding and creating more land. More space. More freedom.

Shine

What is to give light must endure burning.

Viktor Frankl

I can’t wait for this part of the process. Emerging shiny and new and happy…and me. It will take me time to get there, time I don’t want to spend in the trenches, but there isn’t any way to this destination except through the pain and hurt and burn. Here’s to enduring what we need to so we can become what is meant for us.

The post Standing Beside the Fire first appeared on Sore Not Sorry.

What is my fence?

Some of this is my own fault. I’ll admit I wasn’t as focused on the habits that would get me closer to my desired results. I let the stressors of life get in the way of my routines. Life is always stressful in some way, we build our routines to work for us in times of stress so we don’t spend the mental energy thinking about it. I did an extremely poor job building those routines…which led to huge amounts of mental fatigue and minimal results.

Much of this fence that I can’t seem to leap over is just …life. Family struggles, death, marital struggles, illness, stress, worry, job struggles; you name it and I’ve most likely experienced all of it, all within the past 6 months. It is a little too raw for me to discuss here, but just know I’m right there in the middle of all the pain and stress, and every time I think, “Ahh it must be almost over now”…something comes up out of the blue to throw me right back in the spiral.

Maybe the extra boost that will get my hind end over the fence..

I’ve felt more tired last fall than I remember feeling in a long time; my fitness activities were more draining than energizing; mental and physical fatigue was at an all time high for me in the month of December. I did not want to make the effort to do anything else, whether that be write, mop the floors, wrap the presents…I just wanted to hang out on the couch and take a long winters’ nap. That is when I knew something had to change in my life for the time being.

There are seasons to training–a season to push, and a season to pull back and re-evaluate. Right now, I’m in the re-evaluate season. I’m prioritizing sleep and rest and recovery and prioritizing one thing that is just for fun (for me, that is dance). I’m changing my weight lifting routine to do a different program for a few months, and focusing more on maintaining than adding lots of weight. I will eventually get back to a season where I can truly push my limits to see what I am capable of; my mind and body just need the break right now.

The other side of the fence?

There are also seasons to life. I am entering a season where the question “what do you want the rest of your life to look like?” looks a whole lot different than it did when my kids were younger. This season is less about surviving and more about thriving. Enjoying and living life to the fullest extent possible. Doing a job that brings me joy (and compensates accordingly!).

This season is also terrifying. I have never ONCE asked myself what I truly wanted. I’m assuming I’m not alone when I say that my “wants” have always, ALWAYS included someone else, whether that was my husband, kids, extended family, or friends. I was alone for dinner on a Friday night and it shocked me that I couldn’t even decide what I wanted to eat, I was so used to choosing based on others’ preferences.

Suffice it to say, it will take me longer than a weekend to figure out the answer to the “what do you want the rest of your life to look like?” question. But it is a question worth asking.

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