Running …away from doubt

Runner’s high? I hear that phrase and the memes from The Princess Bride run through my head. It is hard to feel a sense of euphoria around something that has always discouraged you and made you insecure.

Some people enjoy running. From the time I was little, and forced to participate in summer track, I remember dreading it. I was never the fastest kid, and my short legs made field events improbable at best. Stuck running long distance and relay races…and when I got old enough, throwing shotput and discus…with little success wears on you. Admittedly, I became discouraged and decided running wasn’t for me. As a young adult, I avoided running like the plague. I saw the cute families dressed up for the cute races with the fun names (i.e. Turkey Trot) in their adorable gear and matching shirts…and while I thought all of the matching was fun, if it meant I had to run I was not going to do it. Nope. Not me!

Sucked In

Then I joined my fitness community and got suckered in to a lot of different fitness competitions/challenges–CG Games, Spartan races, and Hyrox, to name a few. I ran my first Turkey Trot last November. Cold, windy, festive, and complete with matching t-shirts. I came full circle. Who knows, I might even decide to run it again this year.

In the fall, we all got the bright idea to run a 15K. The annual Hot Chocolate 15K in Dallas every February. (Note: all the races I sign up for involve food! 🤪) We signed up and then I completely forgot about it. My super on-top-of-things organized friend (we ALL need one of these friends in our life!) sent us a training schedule at the end of the year. If we added 1K of running every Sunday to our current running routine, we would be at 15K by February! So we ran. We persevered through every miserable moment.

I heard people say the more you run, the more you enjoy it. I can honestly say that is not true for everyone. *raises hand* I could live without running forever and ever, amen. But I showed up weekly to improve and come race day, I finished. I still had to run interval, but I ran most of it!

Getting Discouraged

After this run, our group cut back on our running a little. We still met every Sunday but we didn’t run much longer than 6 miles. There were some weeks I ran a 5K instead. It got hot (who turned up the heat here in TX??) and we had CG Games Prelims to train for, which required less running and a lot more walking lunges and weighted jump ropes. After the second prelims weekend, we decided to meet again at our normal spot (very close to coffee, of course…rewards are necessary), and do a 4 mile loop.

At some point after Mile 1, I got behind. I had a lot of time by myself to think, and I let discouragement get the better of me. That little nagging voice of self-doubt grew into a giant wave of insecurity. I let every disappointment — my mile time isn’t that fast, I hold everyone back, if I didn’t show up they wouldn’t have to wait for me at our photo op, I’m tired, I don’t think I can run another step, and on and on. It was the closest I have come to quitting since I started running. When I finally made it back to our coffee reward, I didn’t know if I could go in and face everyone.

Luckily, my friends won’t let me give up. Not on my goals, and not on myself. The doubts and insecurities are still there, lurking under the surface, but I’m working through them. Eventually I will reframe all of my thinking (hello, growth mindset!), and become the person I was truly meant to be.

Until then, I’ll keep showing up and hanging at the back of the running pack.

I know we all suffer from this malady to some degree; how do you handle the moments you are insecure or discouraged?