There are cows that can jump over the moon…

…And cows that can’t make it over a fence. For the past few months, I have been the latter cow. Stagnant. Stuck. Spinning my wheels with nothing to show for it.

What is my fence?

Some of this is my own fault. I’ll admit I wasn’t as focused on the habits that would get me closer to my desired results. I let the stressors of life get in the way of my routines. Life is always stressful in some way, we build our routines to work for us in times of stress so we don’t spend the mental energy thinking about it. I did an extremely poor job building those routines…which led to huge amounts of mental fatigue and minimal results.

Much of this fence that I can’t seem to leap over is just …life. Family struggles, death, marital struggles, illness, stress, worry, job struggles; you name it and I’ve most likely experienced all of it, all within the past 6 months. It is a little too raw for me to discuss here, but just know I’m right there in the middle of all the pain and stress, and every time I think, “Ahh it must be almost over now”…something comes up out of the blue to throw me right back in the spiral.

Maybe the extra boost that will get my hind end over the fence..

I’ve felt more tired last fall than I remember feeling in a long time; my fitness activities were more draining than energizing; mental and physical fatigue was at an all time high for me in the month of December. I did not want to make the effort to do anything else, whether that be write, mop the floors, wrap the presents…I just wanted to hang out on the couch and take a long winters’ nap. That is when I knew something had to change in my life for the time being.

There are seasons to training–a season to push, and a season to pull back and re-evaluate. Right now, I’m in the re-evaluate season. I’m prioritizing sleep and rest and recovery and prioritizing one thing that is just for fun (for me, that is dance). I’m changing my weight lifting routine to do a different program for a few months, and focusing more on maintaining than adding lots of weight. I will eventually get back to a season where I can truly push my limits to see what I am capable of; my mind and body just need the break right now.

The other side of the fence?

There are also seasons to life. I am entering a season where the question “what do you want the rest of your life to look like?” looks a whole lot different than it did when my kids were younger. This season is less about surviving and more about thriving. Enjoying and living life to the fullest extent possible. Doing a job that brings me joy (and compensates accordingly!).

This season is also terrifying. I have never ONCE asked myself what I truly wanted. I’m assuming I’m not alone when I say that my “wants” have always, ALWAYS included someone else, whether that was my husband, kids, extended family, or friends. I was alone for dinner on a Friday night and it shocked me that I couldn’t even decide what I wanted to eat, I was so used to choosing based on others’ preferences.

Suffice it to say, it will take me longer than a weekend to figure out the answer to the “what do you want the rest of your life to look like?” question. 🥴 But it is a question worth asking.